Burnt Out
by silence.dawned.in.darkness
Summary: Most people can't pinpoint the moment they go insane. For most people it sneaks up on them, until one day it reveals itself and they are taken over. The madness attacked, and forced itself on me in a moment.    And I can pinpoint that moment exactly.


Burnt Out

Bellatrix

Most people can't pinpoint the exact moment they go insane. For most people it gradually sneaks up on them until one day it reveals itself and they are taken over. Something along the lines of the Dark Lord. We were exactly alike, but yet complete opposites. The madness slowly took him, while for me, it _attacked_, full blown, and forced itself on me in a single moment.

And I can pinpoint that moment exactly.

I had just graduated Hogwarts, and my graduation party was that night. I was looking forward to it, if only to see Sirius. Believe it or not, I didn't care that he was Gryffindor, and I was Slytherin. He was my favorite cousin. We didn't care for the stupid formal balls, or the equally stupid 'Pure-blood' society. All I cared about was the fun we had. I was always a tom boy growing up; I loved quidditch and hated dresses. Sirius and I would always go home from playing quidditch; his clothes all muddy with random spots of blood, while my dress would be dirty and ripped. My mother would reprimand me every time, but I didn't care I would just do it again, as long as Sirius was there, in the aftermath. 

When I turned 16 my mother got more demanding and cruel. I was formally introduced into pureblood society, but with out Sirius, since he was a year younger. I was forced through 'lady lessons' as I liked to call them, and going to every Pureblood Ball my mother could get me to for a year. 

Everything changed when Sirius was introduced the following year. The dinners and Balls were no longer stuffy and boring, and became bearable with Sirius by my side. We would laugh and joke and dance together, mainly to save ourselves from unwanted suitors. It was around that time that my mother started arranging potential husbands for me. I wasn't interested in any of them. I would scare most off with my attitude but a couple stayed strong.

One in particular: Rodolphus Lestrange.

He said he liked a girl with attitude, I slapped him.

He said he liked his women feisty; I kicked him where it counted.

He said he liked it rough, I hexed him.

He just didn't give up. Sirius hated him, said he was a git that sold himself to the Dark Lord, and that's the worst a person could be. A Death Eater.

I agreed.

It was at the Malfoy's annual Christmas ball that I met the Dark Lord for the first time. I hadn't realized it at the time. He had introduced himself as Tom Riddle, not _the Dark Lord, _or _He Who Must Not Be Named, _or _Voldemort_. He was charming, handsome, and succeeded in making me blush. He told me I was beautiful and I was worthy to be a queen. After we talked, Rodolphus snuck up to me and whispered in my ear that that was the infamous Dark Lord. To say the least I was horrified. I ran straight to Sirius and cried all night. He stayed with me and comforted me. It was that night that I realized with a sickened thought:

_I was in love with Sirius Black._

_My cousin._

I tried to deny it. I really did. I denied my feelings while Sirius went around screwing anything with blonde hair, boobs, and long legs. I denied the jealous thoughts as the sluts bragged about his 'skills'. I denied the murderous rages for the stupid muggle-born that he fell in love with.

I never had had a problem with muggle-borns nor did I call them mud bloods until _Clara_ came along. She was even a bloody Hufflepuff! Sirius never told his parents about her, until the summer. Sirius had told me ahead of time that he wanted to run away with _her_. I begged him not to. To forget about her. He ignored me like usual and told his parents. It was my graduation party that I heard the horrible news.

Sirius Black had run away and been officially disowned. Just to be with a filthy mud blood.

it was that night. The night when my heart _shattered_. It was that night Rodolphus asked me to marry him. It was that night when the Dark Lord offered me a place in his circle of Death Eaters. It was that night I lost any sanity I had. It was that night I said _yes_.

I hated Sirius so much, yet loved him so much still. I loved him more then the Dark Lord, whom I loved more then Rodolphus. My own _husband_. I got my revenge though. The mud blood he intended to marry, who was pregnant with his child, was 'mysteriously' murdered. Her last words before she died were "he'll know it was you…" which was true. He did figure it out.

It was two years later, one year after the Dark Lord fell, when I saw him again. He walked past my cell in Azkaban. We made eye contact. "Her name was going to be Trixxie" he said with pain in his voice. I could see all the hate and pain in his eyes. It was only for a second before it was replaced by a cold emotionless look.

In my 14 years in Azkaban I only had one dream. One nightmare. Every night, of what life could have been if he never ran away. It was a fantasy, not hope. So it kept me alive. When the Dark Lord broke us out, my insanity had only intensified. I couldn't feel anymore human emotions such as guilt, sadness, or love. Only anger and pain. I had become a cold heartless bitch. So it came as quite a bit of surprise to me, when I killed Sirius and felt regret.  
I hated myself after I killed him. I always dreamt of him, my insanity only growing each day. After two years I only wanted an escape. I didn't want to live, but I didn't necessarily want to die either. I was still loyal to the Dark Lord, and I couldn't escape this hell, while he still needed me. I helped kill many of the Order. It was the very end of the battle when I found my escape. I could end my pain and suffering. The light might have a chance of winning, but we currently had the upper hand. I laughed when I found my escape. A loud care-free laugh, as the jet of green light hit me.

I was free at last. I escaped the insanity.

I was drifting through memories. Reliving moments of Sirius' and my childhood. When we were young, care-free and innocent.

And I knew, in that moment, that with Sirius by my side, here in the heavens I would forever shine brightly, even when, on earth, I had burnt out. 


End file.
